


Lost

by KitsuneKristine



Series: Letters Undelivered [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Anger, Chairman Election Arc (Hunter X Hunter), Chimera Ant Arc, Depressed Gon Freecss, Diary/Journal, Genei Ryodan | Phantom Troupe Member Gon Freecs, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Loss of Nen (Hunter X Hunter), Major Character Injury, Mentioned Illumi Zoldyck, Nen (Hunter X Hunter), Not A Fix-It, Poor Killua (Hunter X Hunter), Possessive Gon Freecs, Self-Hatred, Stream of Consciousness, after episode 148, ging freecss is a bad dad, hxh obsession, kite is mentioned, sorry i don't go over gon joining troupe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29967102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitsuneKristine/pseuds/KitsuneKristine
Summary: The letter that was never delivered. Apologies that were pointless, the words of utter love and devotion now mean absolutely nothing. He wanted to say he was sorry, he was ignored. So, he decided to do the unthinkable and join the people he had wished to destroy.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck
Series: Letters Undelivered [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2204697
Kudos: 3





	Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This is a stream of consciousness that decided to keep me from sleeping, so this was written at 1am. I have edited it a few times, but if there is some errors, please let me know! Hope you all enjoy the Gon angst.  
> \- the lack of capitalization is meant!! -

the days have started to feel like years. a long time ago the thought of losing you hurt too much, but...i did lose you. i let you go. i didn’t try hard enough, i let you go. those words i said to you have haunted me since that day, how could i say such words of anger and hate.

i didn’t mean it. i didn’t. i cant take back those words i said, i can’t take back the pain i gave you. it was all my fault, i pushed you away.

i’m not a hero.

i’m not a good friend.

do you know how much i wish i could take it back? turning away from you that day, that was the day i truly lost myself. how could i do that after everything we been through? you deserve to be happy, you deserve to explore the world with your sister.

i was selfish to think that you would stay by my side.

if i’m no longer in your life, that’s okay. i don’t deserve you. i never did.

heh, who would have thought illumi would be right about something? yet, it seems that i’m the one who was not meant to have friends. i’m the one who does not know how to act or respond, the one who causes all these bad things to happen to people i call friends.

i should have been the one to die, kite shouldn’t have had to sacrifice himself for someone as worthless as me. even so, in the end just my friendship with people made them targets. pockle. ponzo. they didn’t have to die.

seeing my father was such a pointless dream, i was there for a moment and then i was gone. the moment i dreamed about for so long...was just another goodbye. another person telling me that they didn’t need me. i wasn’t needed or wanted.

did you ever honestly need me? no, you didn’t. killua, you’re strong on you’re own. you have a kind, protective heart. cherish it. protect your sister, give her all the needed love and attention. maybe one day you could return home? your family loves you, however in their weird twisted way. you are wanted, truly.

if you ever find yourself seeing kurapika and leorio again, give them a hug from me. tell them of our adventures, how much i missed them. make sure to tell them that i’m sorry, i’m sorry that i didn’t make it a point to see them both again in york new. having you three as friends was probably the highlight of my life. i will miss you all so much.

i can assume you’re wondering why i’m writing this all out, well my dear friend...i am nenless. which i’m sure you are fully aware of, since you were the one who got nanika to heal me. killua...i can’t go back to how everything was before. there is nothing in store for me. my life cannot be fun and adventure anymore, it’s not fair for me to live my life like that when all i’ve done is bring pain.

i wouldn’t say my life as a hunter is over. but i will be putting everything behind me. i will not be returning to whale island to see aunt mito or grandma anymore. i will not be the sweet innocent gon that everyone assumed i was. i am not that boy anymore, he died a long time ago.

i’m sorry killua, but this is goodbye. maybe one day we’ll meet on the road? though i’m sure you will have to kill me, since i did the unthinkable.  
  


goodbye,  
gon freecss


End file.
